Death By Nanny Goat Part II: The Completely Predictable Sequel

It was the plot twist that no one (read – everyone) saw coming: the two neglected and rogue goats from my last blog wormed their furry-ass way into the hearts of Tanya and David, which is about as difficult as blinking.

But let’s back it up to where we last left off.

In Death By Nanny Goat, I detailed my harrowing near-death experience with the two neglected goats living next door to David and Tanya.

In a flurry of weeds, dirt, chains, horns and bleats, my life flashed before my life and I knew I would never quite be the same again.

Surprisingly, and with zero regard to my well-being, readers of this blog instead registered concern for the welfare of the two goats.

Whilst inwardly marvelling at the strangeness of humanity, I passed these concerns on to Tanya and tried to get on with a life where everything is now different.

Tanya acknowledged these concerns and said she had a plan.

This is what happened next:

Tanya, the embodiment of good-natured common-sense, continued to visit the goats daily and bring them plant-based treats. She unravelled their shortened chains from their pickets and made sure they had fresh water. I believe a salt lick was also arranged at some point.

Then, like a cobra coiled and biding its time until the perfect moment, she struck.

The “striking” occurred about a week later when she marched up to the neighbour who owned the goats and politely asked if she might borrow them to assist in landscaping her yard.

The owner advised that he would think about it and get back to her.

In the meantime (and knowing nothing of these events) I journeyed up to visit her and David one Sunday evening.

When I arrived, an unsurprising sight greeted me: my nemesis’ were happily tethered in Tanya’s yard, looking like happiness itself as they stood hock-deep in luscious, dark green grass.

Tanya and David were buoyant in their triumph.

Billy (or as he is now strictly known as, “Billy-G”) had an old saddle blanket fashioned into a little coat draped lovingly over his back.

Nanny (who is now known as “Casper”) was standing royally in the finest patch of soft grass, and deigning to endure Tanya’s exuberant pats and kisses.

Even an old veteran of Goat Warfare like me could see that they were happy and looked as cute as cuddles ‘n kisses.

I gave Billy-G some pats and told him how handsome he looked in his new coat. He bleated back at me in a low, dignified sort of way.

Then we all rounded on Casper and gave him (because we found out he’s a boy!) The Love. We took some photos and acted like a Happy Hallmark family for a few minutes. Then the little bastard stood on my foot and left a big purple bruise. The rivalry continues.

Later, in the house, Tanya received a text message from the goats’ owner. He told her in a cheeky sort of way that she may hire the goats from him for a dollar each per week.

“So….you just took them anyway before the owner had even given you permission?” I asked her blankly.

“Yes!!” She shouted joyfully, and then danced around the kitchen singing about her cat, Kitty-N.

This is why we love Tanya.

Of course, it would only be a matter of time before the goats found their way into the house. A few days later Tanya sent me a photo of Casper on their front veranda. Closer.

Then, a day ago, I received video footage of Billy-G. In the house. Climbing over the coffee table to get onto the couch where Tanya was sitting. Bingo.

So, it is safe to say that our furry friends (or enemies, depending whose side you’re on) have met with a fairy-tale ending. From neglect and misery and ill-health to rolling green hills, home-tailored coats and extraordinarily permissive friends who indulge them lovingly every day.

I suspect that they planned this all along and used their goatish charms to thus persuade Tanya.

Well played, goats. Well played.